Jackpot!

I've just won the lottery!

Ha! I wish!

Would it change me? 
Nah...
But I probably wouldn't have time for you anymore.

After locking up my modest suburban house and changing my phone number, I would slink out of this little town called Melbourne and hide from all of you wanting a slice of my pie. 

MY pie.

Some of you need money way more than I do, and for some of you a little bit of my fortune would change your life forever. But I wouldn't want to play favourites. So it's probably for the best that I don't start sharing.

And what have the charities done for me except call me while I'm scoffing my hot meal in my warm and comfortable home?

So, with my loose change I would make small modifications to my current lifestyle.

I'd go from this:

...that somedays feels like this:

...and downsize it to this:

The Bugatti Veyron. The second most expensive car money
can buy. I don't want to show off. And the best thing?
Only seats two.

I'd move from this:

...to this:

I'd trade this:

...and get me one of these:

I'd go from this:

...to this:

I've hidden her identity as I don't want
people to know it's Mila Kunis.

Take my kids from government schools:

...and stick dump throw hide enrol them in a 

brilliant Boarding School far, far away, like this one:

Institut auf dem Rosenberg, Switzerland

Instead of holidaying like this:

...I'd go here:

Canada

...or here:

Tahiti

And instead of having these:

winetimes.com

...I'd have a couple of these:

mtviewestate.com.au

Nah...just kidding. There's some family I'd throw a couple of bucks to, and some friends. I'm sure I'd make lots of new friends very quickly after winning the lottery, and find some friends I haven't heard of in many many years in the process - some I bet I didn't even know I had.

What's the first thing you'd do if you won a stupid amount of pretend money and lived in La-La-Land with me? 

Linking up with Deb at Home Life Simplified's Listmania.

Happy Awesome Chick's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all of you mother's, step-mothers, mother figures, grandmothers, mothers without mothers, not-quite-yet-mothers, working mothers, stay-at-home mothers and mothers of pets-that-act-like-children. 

Actually, fuck Mother's Day. Let's call today 'Awesome Chick's Day'. 

There is such a big emphasis placed on how wonderful and rewarding it is to be a mum (I didn't say that) and a day has marked in recognition of all the marvellous, caring and hardworking mothers out there around the world. I can tell you I am not one of them. Yes, I take the title of 'mother', but I don't see myself as an outstanding example of one. I complain, I nag, I argue, I bitch, I yell, I cry. I'm impatient, easily annoyed, and take pills each night to 'balance my emotions' while I rear five kids. I think I may be allergic to my kids. I come out in a light rash and nervous sweats just thinking about a whole day alone with them. I wish I were somewhere else most of the time and I often wonder what my life would be like if I could turn back time.

Then I look at them and I think I have five kids. They are alive. They are fed. They are (relatively) clean. They have picked up a few manners along the way, as well as a few choice words. Sometimes they show respect. Sometimes they show each other love. All in all, they are good kids. Which, I guess, does make me an ok mum. I'm no June Cleaver or Carol Brady. My house doesn't sparkle with the pride of a stay-at-home-mum and the scent of natural lemon. I see myself as a blend of Lucille Bluth from 'Arrested Development', Debra Barone from 'Everybody Loves Raymond' and Roseanne from...well...'Roseanne'.

In honour of some hilariously funny, hilariously annoying and model mothers that have graced our television screens and movie theatres, I give you some of my favourite mothers and their pearls of motherly wisdom:

Lucille Bluth in Arrested Development (Jessica Walter)
Lucille:   Get me a vodka rocks.
Michael: Mom, it's breakfast.
Lucille:   And a piece of toast.

Lucille:  I just went off my post-partum depression medication.
Michael:  You're still taking that? You had Buster thirty two years ago.
Lucille:  And that's how long I've been depressed about it.

Edina Moon in Absolutely Fabulous (Jennifer Saunders)
Edina:  Oh, darling, Mummy loves you. On the day you were born I knew I wanted you...
Patsy:  However, the day after...

Peggy Bundy in Married With Children (Katy Sagal)
Peggy:  Kelly, it's time we had a little talk. There is a thing men will want you to do when you get married; it's called work.
Kelly:  I'm scared; hold me Mom.
Peggy:  Once you do it though, you'll never have to do it again and there will come a time when your husband comes home smellin' like beer and wantin' some lovin'; you'll follow that fat butt up the stairs because you'll know that no matter how disgusting the next five minutes may be, it's still better than work.
Kelly: Thanks, Mom; you're so wise.
Peggy:  Well, you can't sit on the couch twenty hours a day and not learn something.

Lois Griffin in Family Guy (Alex Borstein)
Meg:  Wow, Chris, did you lose weight? You're wicked skinny, I'm jealous.
Chris:  Thanks Meg. I'm jealous of your moustache.
Meg:  Mom?
Lois:  Oh, it's fine, Meg. It makes you look dignified.
Meg:  But, Mom!
Lois:  Now I love all of my children equally.

Roseanne Connor in Roseanne (Roseanne Barr)
Darlene:  Yo Mom, the lunch lady at school's been sick a few weeks, I think she's gonna die soon, you interested?
Roseanne:  Let's see. Serving crappy food to ungrateful teenagers, how would I know I was at work?

Barbara (David's mom):  Listen to me. I don't want you butting in, telling me, how to raise my kids! Take a look at the two little whores you raised!
Roseanne:  Oh...uh, I'm in this now... You know, if your kid wasn't here, I would take the opportunity to remind you that people who live in glass whore-houses shouldn't throw stones. It's people like you that give white-trash a bad name.

Marion Cunningham in Happy Days (Marion Ross)
Marion:  Your father once even sent me a five-pound box of candy on Valentine's Day anonymously. He was a devil.
Howard:  I never sent you a five-pound box of candy.
Marion:  You didn't?
Howard:  No, I didn't.
Marion:  Then I must have married the wrong man.

Kitty Foreman in That 70s Show (Debra Jo Rupp)
You know I love my family, but sometimes I just want to get in the car and run them all over.

All families are embarrassing; and if they're not embarrassing, they're dead.

Claire Dunfry in Modern Family (Julie Bowen)
Claire:  If Haley never wakes up on a beach in Florida half naked... I've done my job.
Phil:  Our job.
Claire:  Right. I've done our job.

Luke is already the best at something: Being my son. It sounded a lot less lame in my head.

Alex, honey, when you're out shopping, you might want to pick yourself up a training bra. I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come in soon. Mommy loves you, kitten!

Morticia Addams in The Addams Family (Carolyn Jones)
One house. Three children. So many windows.

You've had your shots? Measles, mumps, rabies?

Endora in Bewitched (Agnes Moorehead)
I detest sounding like one of those mothers who thinks they know it all. But unfortunately, I do.

Samantha:  That's what I like about your visits, Mother. You always bring a ray of sunshine into my drab existence.
Endora:  Well, that's what mothers are for, dear.

Lucille Ball in I Love Lucy (Lucille Ball)
Lucy:  Budget my time? You mean like I budget my money?
Ricky:  Heavin forbid!

Francine Smith in American Dad (Wendy Schaal)
May be blonde with great cans, but I'm pretty smart when I've had my eight hours.

Estelle Costanza in Seinfeld (Estelle Harris)
George doesn't work. He's a bum.

I go out for a quart of milk and I come home and find my son treating his body like an amusement park!

It's rude not to serve cake!

Marie Barone and Debra Barone in Everybody Loves Raymond (Doris Roberts & Patricia Heaton)
Marie:  Debra, I don't know why your rolls are all left. I liked them. The burnt part gave them some flavour. Don't worry about those pots and pans, honey. I know how to do those.
Debra:  Well, cleaning is cleaning.
Marie:  You'd think so.

Robert:  Hey, Ma. I told Nemo you were hurt so he threw in these breadsticks for free.
Marie:  These look old.
Frank:  You are what you eat.
Marie:  Robbie, give your father his order of miserable bastard.

Sophia Petrillo in The Golden Girls (Estelle Getty)
Fasten your seatbelt, slut puppy. This ain't gonna be no catwalk!

Sophia:  My God. That's the cutest baby I've ever seen.
Dorothy:  Ma! It's a pig!
Sophia:  Hey, you were no looker when I brought you home from the hospital either. I brought you anyway!

Mama Fratelli in The Goonies (Anne Ramsey)
Kids suck.

Irene Walsh in The Goonies (Mary Ellen Trainor)
Irene:  Brandon, I want you to keep your brother inside. I don't want him to catch a cold.
Brandon:  He should be put in a plastic bubble.
Irene:  I'm serious Brandon! That's not funny. If he takes one step outside and you'll be in the deepest, absolutely the deepest, shi, shi, shi...
Brandon:  Shit Ma!
Irene:  I don't like that language, but that's exactly what you're going to be in.

Caroline Butler in Mr Mom (Teri Garr)
Jack:  My brain is like oatmeal. I yelled at Kenny today for colouring outside the lines! Megan and I are starting to watch the same TV shows. And I'm liking them! I'm losing it.
Caroline:  Honey, I know what you're talking about. I've been there myself, alright?
Jack:  Well, if you're so unhappy, why don't you say something about it?
Caroline:  Because I wasn't unhappy! Look, maybe I was a little confused, maybe I was a little frustrated, but I knew what I was doing was important, because it means something to raise human beings. What saw me through was pride. I've pride in this house, I've pride with my kids, and I've pride being Mrs Jack Butler! Where are you going?
Jack:  I'm goin' downstairs to sleep on the fat couch if I can get through the door.
Caroline:  Yeah, well be sure to take pride in some of the FAT, Porky!

Kate McCallister in Home Alone (Catherine O'Hara)
Kate:  How can we forget this? We forgot him?
Peter:  We didn't forget him. We just miscounted.
Kate:  What kind of mother am I?
Uncle Frank:  If it makes you feel any better - I forgot my reading glasses.

Ellen Griswold in Vacation and Christmas Vacation (Beverley D'Angelo)
Sit down and shut up! Move outta that seat and I'll split your lip!

I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.

I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

And finally (I don't want to get in trouble for missing this gem again!)...
Jeanine Stifler in American Pie (Jennifer Coolidge)
Stifler's Mom:  I got some scotch.
Finch:  Single malt?
Stifler's Mom:  Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.

I love screen mums. And I know I have missed other brilliant and inspiring mothers in this somewhat extensive list of my faves. A special shout out must go to Shirley Partridge (The Partridge Family), Elyse Keaton (Family Ties), Norma Arnold (The Wonder Years), Mrs Gump (Forrest Gump), Lindsay Bluth Funke (Arrested Development), Marge Simpson and Agnes Skinner (The Simpsons), Elliot's mum, Mary (E.T) and Pamela Voorhees (Friday 13th). Have I missed any?

Linking with Deb's Listmania at homelifesimplified.com.au


Credits to: 
imdb.com, quotefully.com, underscoopfire.com, tvfanatic.com, modernfamily.wikia.com, methodshop.com, en.wikiquote.org, quotesworthrepeating.com, starrynightsdiva.hubpages.com, allthelikes.com, oocities.org, 40yearolddad

It's my party & I'll invite who I want to

Living or dead what (assuming famous) people would you like to invite to a once-in-a-lifetime dinner party (and why)?

Oooh...thanks Deb over at Home Life Simplified for this week's Listmania challenge. And by 'challenge' I mean 'holy shitballs, that's a hard one'.

Who would I invite for a soiree at Chez Cutmymilk?

Hmmm.

I quizzed the Big Guy, Timbo, about it. He knows stuff. Who would he invite?

Ted Whitten (legendary Footscray Bulldogs football player of the 1950s and 60s), Michael J Fox, Charles Dickens, George Clooney (surprise entry there - guess he's not just sexy to the ladies), Bill Clinton and Bob Hawke (Australian Prime Minister from 1983-91, but Tim probably chose him for his ability to down 2 and a half pints of beer in 11 seconds in 1955, putting him in the Guinness Book of Records). Tim likes buffoonery like that.

Ted Whitten, Charles Dickens, Michael J Fox, Bill Clinton & Bob Hawke

I thought we could make a party of it and invite both Tim's guests and mine, and doing so avoid the awkward obligation of having to invite each other. But in doing so, I no longer can host the dinner party I really want - Ryan Reynolds, Taylor Kinney, Keanu Reeves and Ian Somerhalder (shirts optional). So none of these naughty naughty boys can be there (stiffles sob).

I would ask:
Johnny Depp.

I think he'd be a very interesting person to talk with, not just about his acting career but about his music, tattoos, wine making and his children.






Ellen DeGeneres.

I love everything about Ellen. I love her style. I love her voice. I love her natural gift for observational humour. I love that she loves an Aussie. I think we would become BFFs.





Princess Diana.

I would love to chat about her charities and patronage and all of the things she was passionate about - and there were many. I would love to hear about her life before royalty, as she led a rather 'normal' life before becoming such an iconic figure.





George Clooney.

Apart from being a sexy sexy beast, I would love to hear about his humanitarian work and his acting career. He can sit next to Ellen.







Andrew O'Keefe.

Andrew is an Australian lawyer-turned-comedian-game-show-host-and-news-presenter who has a sharp intelligent wit and would make fascinating company.






Tom Hanks.

I just love Tom Hanks, for being Tom Hanks.








I think there would be a balance of personalities here to keep the night rolling. Although it would be entertaining to fill an evening with Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, Joan Rivers and Charlie Sheen, but I think I get my dose of over stimulation here with my kids daily, and I would need to be bat-shit crazy and/or drunk to cope with the night.They would be like a Jager Bomb enema. And we know how much fun that would be.

Let's make it a big night and you're all invited. Who would you bring?

Let me know in the comments below or head over to the Cut My Milk Facebook page and add your names to the list so the door bitch will let you in.

A stumble down memory lane

Ok. So you know how I like to talk? Or write? Or bang on a bit in a blog? No? Really I do! And this week's Listmania will be no different. As my family and close friends will tell you (but better not) I can speak the greatest of shit. I grew into my shit speaking. My school reports all say the same thing. Quiet. Introverted. Shy. 

So I have changed a bit.

This week I will hold your hand in my sweaty hand and skip down my memory lane of all things awesome in my childhood. And by childhood, I mean until now.
I made a list in my 'Let's Blog Some Shit' notebook of all the things that were my favourites - 3 pages worth of favourites. As I really really really want you to come back to read more of my blogs in the future, I have shortlisted them. It's still damn long. What can I say? I loved childhood. I still live in the past. And I'm still a big kid. 

My first Barbies                                                                                          These may have been my sister's 

but my memory says they were mine.

Swap Cards

My favourite TV Shows

Going to football matches and swinging on the boundary rails and scalding my tongue with a scorchingly hot meat pie

McDonald's for a party (that was the only time we had Macca's and you had to drive more than a kilometre to find one)

Playing softball, netball and rollerskating (still have my skates)

Elastics

Spirograph

Atari, Donkey Kong & recording Top 40 hits on my cassette player

Growing Pains, 21 Jump Street and The X Files

The Doug Anthony All Stars (Melbournians will know)

Doc Martin's

The Cure

You can let go of my hand now. We've reached the WhatTheFuck 90s. That'll do Pig. That'll do.

What were your favourite childhood things?

Pics from Pinterest & Tumblr

The A to Z of Lisa

A is for Awesome, my word of the year. 

It's also for Asshats who I'm always near. 
B is for Baby, asleep like a log.

For me, time for wine and a good chance to blog.

C is for Childcare. Hooray for Monday!
The twins will play there for a part of the day.
D  is for Daddy. Can you please come home soon?
The darlings are feral. Must be that damn moon.
E  is for Energy, something I've not.
Need more time in the day to clean after my lot.
F is for fighting. That's all the kids do.
Five feral children - we'd planned for just two.
G  is for Good Grief, God Lord and Good God.
Words that escape me as I lose my wad.
H  is for Happy. For the most part it is.
It's a hectic and hellish and heavenly shiz.
I is for Ignore. Pick my battles I try.
That's crap and you know it. I rant and I cry.
J  is for Jam - man, that shit is sticky.
It's stuck in Lil's hair, now it's matted and icky.
K  is for Kalm, if you spell it with K.
But you don't and that sucks so move on I say.
L  is for Love. Despite what you think,
My kids - I do love them - they don't always stink.
M  is for Mummy, Mum, Muuuuuum, Mama, Mother.
They shout it from one end of the house to the other.
N  is for Nappies. I'm sick of this shit. 
So for two out of three kids the toilet they'll sit.
O  is for Organised - something I need.
My mind is all busy, it needs to be freed.
P is for Paint - what I have on my wall.
Along with the scribble, the boogers and all. 
Q  is for Quiet and the sleep that I crave.
No questions, no quarrels, the kids will behave.
R  is for Rhyme. I'm not a good poet.
I'm not a good writer. And this doesn't rhyme.
S  is for Swearing. I do it too much.
My kids speak like wharfies - they copy me such.
T  is for Tea. Never know what to cook
To make everyone happy and to not fucking sook. 
 U  is for Uni. I'll finish one day.
A change in career is headed my way.
V  is for Vego. My son's one of those.
If I serve him meat, he'll just turn up his nose.
W  is for Weight. It's a struggle for me.
I'm losing a bit, not enough yet to see.
X  is for X Rays. A lot we've had lately.
Not just our bodies, our wallets hurt greatly.
Y  is for Yawn. It's sleep that I need.
I'm constantly buggered from rearing my breed.
Z   is for Zoo. It's the place I call home.
I love it. I hate it. But I'll never roam.

The A to Z of Lisa, linking up with Deb and all the other amazing bloggettes at Home Life Simplified's Listmania extravaganza. Go have a look!

Leave me a message, please!!! It's so lonely here by myself.

Teaching an old dog new tricks

There are still things I'd love to learn. Some of them are academic, some are personal, some of them are pointless. Is it too late to teach an old dog new tricks? Nah. 

I'm linking in again with Home Life Simplified's Listmania listapalooza to think about things I'd like to learn. After pondering it for a couple of minutes, I now know what I don't want to learn. I don't want to learn how to dig my own camp toilet. I don't want to learn how to milk a snake. Nor do I want to learn how to become a hillbilly hand fisher, as much as wading through muddy rivers and shoving my arm up to the shoulder in a dark underwater hole sounds appealing. I'd rather learn how to crap my dacks and have others be none the wiser.

But the things I'd like to learn, in all seriousness, are surprisingly quite a few. 

I feel the pull to continue learning. I would like to return to Melbourne Uni one day and finish my Masters Degree in Deaf Education. I would love to learn how to become an audiologist so I can return to the real world of work and adult conversation. I would love to improve my Auslan skills.

I would love to learn German, Swedish and read braille.

I would love to learn how to crochet, paint with oils and keep plants alive.

I would love to learn how to ski, to meditate, to relax and to like myself.

I want to learn how to do at least one really amazing magic trick, or to do that flippy thing with a coin across my hand and back.

I want to learn to do the cup song just like Anna Kendrick can do. She is so awesome.

Now all I need to do is learn where I'm going to find the fecking time to do these things.

So, Old Dog - what new tricks do you want to learn?

It's just a little crush

Home Life Simplified's Listmania has told me I have to list my crushes of then and now. It wasn't too hard. Some are a little bit embarrassing to own up to, but it was fun going back in time when butterflies flew wildly in my stomach and my heart would threaten to burst from my chest with the mere mention of my crushes' names. There were a few more 'real life' crushes, but some things are better left as secrets.

My first crush was a boy in grade 2. He sat in front of me and I could stare deeply into the back of his dark brown mop of hair. I would turn bright red when he looked my way and I would go out of my way to go out of his way, hoping that in my avoidance he would figure out that I wanted to marry him. He never did.

Who would've thought?

Growing up I had posters stuck to every inch of my wall. George Michael was the biggest poster I had. It came with the Wham! Fantastic album I bought. I would dream that he would come to Australia and meet me and I would be his girlfriend. Little did I know at the time that my grade 2 crush would have more of a chance with him than I would.

Kirk Cameron

The real Karate Kid, Ralph Macchio

Kirk Cameron from 'Growing Pains' was a major crush through the 80's for me. He was a quirky smart ass who smiled at the camera just for me. The real Karate Kid, Ralph Macchio, also was nice. People flocked to karate dojos for the chance to wax on and wax off just like Ralph. I was one of them.

Johnny Depp

John Cusack

While many of my friends swooned over Tom Cruise, Rob Lowe and Andrew McCarthy from 'Pretty in Pink' (how I so wanted to be Molly Ringwald) I was worshipping John Cusack and Johnny Depp in his '21 Jump Street' days and bawling when he was swallowed up by the bed and turned into dog food in 'Nightmare on Elm Street'. Johnny Depp is one hell of a fine wine. He just keeps getting better and better. De-lish.

Keanu Reeves. 

Ryan Reynolds

Keanu Reeves was a very very very long standing crush. I had books of photos I had collected over a few years, massive posters, calendars and my own graphite drawings of him. He is still a stunner and certainly still floats my boat.

Today, I'm 'crushing' as my 11 year old would say, on some more wine fines. Joshua Jackson in 'Fringe' and anything with Ryan Reynolds and Justin Bateman will do just nicely thank you.

Taylor Kinney

But the dirty old woman of 41 comes out, and young Taylor Kinney gets me ogling like a lustful teenager. He can put out my fires any night.

Well, that was a comprehensive. I'm pretty sure I've embarrassed my daughter with this list. They're all so old! Where's Harry Styles? Nope. I'll stand by my men. 

Who floated your boat?