Wednesday, 10 July 2013

You've got twins? Are you crazy?

Yes. I have twins. 
Yes. I am crazy.
But I was crazier before I had twins.

I found out I was having twins when I was seven weeks pregnant. I took my (then) 7 year old daughter and 8 year old son to the ultrasound. They didn't know I was pregnant and thought I was going to have a special x-ray on my tummy to see what it looks like in there. Being young and stupid, they went with that.

The sonographer dimmed the lights, gelled her wand, and with the kids edging closer to me while I lay there, she counted out the sacs...

"There's the first embryo. There's the second embryo. And here's the - could you please excuse me?"

What? Here's the fucking what?

Hang on. Did she just say "second embryo?"

The sonographer returned to the room with someone more senior. She took a look at the screen and said to the younger sonographer, "That's her cervix." Then to me, "Don't worry, you're not having three!"

Three what?

"Mum," said Ella. "Are you having a baby?"

"I think so," I said.

"No. You're having twins." said the ultrasound chick.

"I'm having what?"

"Twins, Mum," said Campbell. "We're gonna need a bigger car."

I was having twins. Identical twins. At seven weeks, they were sharing a placenta.


At three months pregnant, I looked six months. At six months pregnant, I looked nine months. At eight months pregnant, I measured 56 weeks pregnant. I felt sorry for elephants.

I remember the unsolicited advice I would get from people, mainly strangers, about having twins, and one particular comment still haunts me..."You're having twins? Oh you poor love." 

I also had, "I was pregnant with twins until your stage. Then they both died. So you're not out of the woods yet." Cheers for that. Very helpful.
An hour or two before the Wondertwins were born.
My healthy 6lb and 6lb 1oz girls were delivered by caesarean at 36 weeks.
One thing I noticed pretty quickly is that the novelty of having twins wears off a great deal quicker with their parents than with the random people you meet in Woolworths. People will stop, stare, question, goo and gaa and fluff around twins, particularly newborns because they are so damn cute. Even the ugly ones. Fuck me, there are ugly ones. People are curious. People are fascinated. And there are people who are just plain rude. It does get frustrating when you just want to get in and out of the supermarket without having a ten minute conversation down every aisle about simultaneously breastfeeding twins or how old Aunt Ida, rest her soul, didn't know she was having twins until they came out and then ended up with the most terrible flatulence you'd ever smell for the rest of her days.

There is no one-size-fits-all pregnancy, delivery or parenting of twins (or any baby for that matter). Go with what works for you, your family and your lifestyle. The one bit of advice I want to give people who are currently pregnant with twins is this: Listen to people's advice. You don't need to do anything with it. It will be quicker and relatively less painful to say, "Thank you. That's great."

You will be asked some of the stupidest questions about your twins and about your most intimate experiences. Smile. Nod. Go to your happy place. Here are some treasures I have been asked, told, advised, instructed, interrogated and condemned...

Are they twins? Fair enough question. They don't look alike. They don't even look related. 

Are they identical? I began answering this question with a simple "Yes." This was often followed by "No they're not. They don't look a like." I found myself defending my answer with some empirical research in epigenetics, but now I can't be fucked and just answer "No. They're not."

Are they paternal? I'm fairly sure they have the same dad, thanks for asking.

Which one is the evil twin? Come on. That's not nice. Lily.

Do you have a favourite? Yes. Absolutely. The one that is asleep.

If I were to hurt one of your twins, could the other feel it? I don't know but let's find out. Hey, here's a twist on this experiment - I'll kick you in one of your balls and you tell me if the other feels it. K?

Do twins run in your family? Nope. These babies are self-inflicted and chemically induced.

Are they natural? Well, they're human. 

Did you conceive them naturally? You're really asking if there was some sexy time involved here aren't you, you dirty old whore. Did you have some rumpy pumpy to score your spawn? Oh, you don't like that? Too personal?

Are they IVF babies? Apart from being none of your Goddamn business, does it really make a difference if they are? Yes, they are.

Are they 3 months apart? Yes, I was seriously asked this. One of my girls looks older, despite being a whole minute younger, and I was asked if they were 3 months apart.

Did you breastfeed? Nope, but my husband tried.

Did you have them naturally? As opposed to them being pulled out from my throat? Or explode from my stomach like an alien? That is how it felt though.

What's it like being a mum of twins? What's it like being a fucking idiot?

Some days it will feel like you have this many kids. That's ok. That's what alcohol is for. 
Did you try for twins? 
I could never have twins.
I wanted twins.
How do you feed them?
What do you do if they cry?
What do you do if they poop at the same time?
Do they think the same?
Twice as nice? Or double the trouble?

I'm guilty of peeking into a double pram and ooohing and aaahing at someone else's twinnies. I'm allowed to. I've got twins. It is now my right. But for those of you about to have twins, know this: They will be fun. They will be hard. You will be crazy busy. You will be sanely routine. They will make you cry hysterically. They will make you laugh until you pee. It will be noisy. It will be cuddly. You will experience mess like no other. You will experience smells like no other. Plant yourself a money tree. Now. 

You'll love every minute of it. Twice.
From Angelic Angels Photography


  1. Baaaaaa! I love you, Lisa. I gave one more question. Are they human? Fucking twins. Fucking people.

    1. I often question what realm of hell does Lily come from. Then they swap personalities & fuck me over.
      I love you too Banana Princess x

  2. Great post! I don't have twins, but am sometimes still astounded at the questions people ask. When I had my first I couldn't believe how many times I got stopped by complete strangers who otherwise wouldn't have given me the time of day - & vice-versa! Many we're like, oh wow he's so handsome - like it was a big surprise. I felt like saying - why the surprise, is it because you think all babies are ugly, or is it because you think I am?? I was vey polite about it all with my first - not so much with the second - I just kind of keep walking while they're talking!! :)

    Lisa, I just found you via jennepper (also hilarious.) I cannot.stop.laughing. I can't breathe,and I'm at work so I'm not supposed to be reading this anyway, and I'm literally laughing into my hands and hoping someone doesn't think I'm vomiting.
    I'm a mother of twins - IVF, so to all the dirty old whores out there, I say, there was probably more sex than you can imagine to have these babies, it just didn't work that way for us. Gah - I am literally in tears reading this.
    My HCG numbers were so high, I was told to be prepared to see three on the ultrasound screen. I cried tears of joy when I learned there were only two!

  4. Those are awesome, I love the responses! I get a few myself and I agree, it's easier just to say something that's not true to end the conversation and finish your shopping. When people ask if my babies are identical (they're fraternal) I almost always say yes. In my opinion, all babies look alike anyway so it's not really a lie :)

  5. Brilliant post!! My favorite is when someone has boy/girl twins and someone asks if they are identical!!! Thank goodness my twins are boys (fraternal), so I don't get that odd question/answer (as much)!

  6. This post was hilarious, had me laughing to tears. LOL

  7. Oh Lisa, I proper snorted at the computer reading this, classic!

    "Even the ugly ones. Fuck me, there are ugly ones." That line was the winner for me, God woman you are funny as fuck! Love ya!

    Oh another question about twins... Would you like another set? x

    Sarah x