My bucket list - in reverse

My Listmania exercise for this week is to write a 'Reverse Bucket List' - a list of all the awesome things I have already done - to celebrate my life. That's a very interesting task for a person with depression. In the wrong frame of mind, I will tell you that nothing interesting or awesome or successful has happened in my life, and that I am just going through the motions until the end of this perpetual nightmare. I know perfectly well that my life has been filled to the brim with wow factors, amazing experiences and personal triumphs. And when we link our blogs on Deb's Home Life Simplified website, we will all see that it is not simply moments of perfection, but more of personal bests and dreams that have come true. One person's 'normality' may be another's person's 'celebration'. 

If I EVER had my own classroom again, this would be on my door.

We spend so much of our time and energy on trying to be the best, to win, to perfect, to achieve, to travel to exotic places, to be rich, to be popular and in doing this we lose sight of all the brilliant things we do have and have done.

I still want to be rich, though.

So, here's a list of stuff I've done in my 41 years that I think were awesome moments in time and that you should think I'm awesome for achieving.

• I was one of the school captains of my primary school.

• I won the Drama Award in Year 12. I think that might be the non-academic version otherwise known as 'Student Who Consistently Brought Fruit For Recess Award'.

• I won a trip to Disneyland when I was in Year 12 (a competition on the TV show 'The Wonderful World of Disney') and despite having to take my family including my Grandma, I had an awesome time. A highlight was when my Grandma, little sister and I went to Mexico and my Grandma - bless her - wouldn't buy bottles of tequila with worms in them for me as I was a minor in the eyes of the States. She got nervous buying the alcohol and thought she was aiding and abetting a 'minor' and abandoned ship. Yes... bless her.

• I became a primary school teacher, teacher of the deaf, and started my masters degree. 

• I performed in some local theatre company's performances. I wish I could do that again. Something I thought I was really good at. Sigh.

• Won a Logie and was nominated for Best Supporting Actress in... (oh, wait, sorry that hasn't happened. Yet.)

• Moved with Tim (my boyfriend) to Shepparton in country Victoria and taught at a Deaf Facility and as a Visiting Teacher for Hearing Impaired Students across the north-east of the state.

• I married my best friend who also happens to be a spunky superhero who looks after his massive brood and works stupidly long, unrewarding hours to do so while I get my hair done, sit around drinking coffee with my friends, the house gets cleaned by a housekeeper and the children are picked up from their private schools by their nanny. Ummm, no.

• I watched my Mum die. I know that doesn't sound like an uplifting and wonderful bucket list item, but I feel that I am truly blessed to have been there in her last moments. 

• I had five amazing, beautiful, loving, funny, annoyingly feral children - who I adore more than anything I have ever known, and who I would like to strangle more than anyone I've ever known. 

• Driven across the Nullabor and back from Melbourne to Perth with two smelly obnoxious 9 and 10 year olds, two cantankerous 15 month old twins and a husband. An award would be nice.

• Driven from Melbourne to the Gold Coast and back with two smelly obnoxious 11 and 12 year olds, two cantankerous 3 year old twins, a 5 month old baby who will not be driven at night and a husband. Seriously, give me an award.

• I started a blog and a Facebook page so I could stand naked (metaphorically) in front of the world and share my life and fears.

I haven't travelled across the world, taught in a remote African village, or been part of a touring circus troupe, and it is very easy to envy everyone else's lives, but I think I'm quite happy with what I have achieved. The moments above have been melded together with hilarious friends, memorable - yet fuzzy -nights out on the vino, tears of laughter and of heart-aching sorrow, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. 

Except to have been rich. 

That would've been really really sweet.

Palm twitchin'

I've always been told to turn a negative moment or thought into a positive one, so here it goes...

I was very proud of myself last week. 

I resisted the urge to throw my screaming satanic head-spinning spawn through a window at the local doctor's surgery. In fact, I think everyone at the surgery deserve a big pat on the back for not throwing my screaming satanic head-spinning spawn through a window. Cudos to you all.

Oscar nominee Grace Butter-Wouldn't-Melt-In-My-Mouth-If-My-Head-Was-On-Fire gave her award winning performance in the art of dummy spitting. Again. Her 10000 hertz 110 decibel dog attracting screams made even the elderly lady crack her knuckles, her palm twitching, ready the lash out with a can of whoop-arse. All eyes on me, once again, the sweating woman with the expressionless face who was, once again, avoiding all eye contact with the patients in the small waiting room. 

I know in my day my mum would have, without hesitation, reached out with her experienced tennis arm and backhanded me on the spot. But alas, today we are not allowed to exact this sort of fury on our precious little ones. Ahhh, the 70's. Those were the days. Being disrespectful to your mum meant being chased around the house with the wooden spoon. My mum rarely dished it out, but you knew when she was truly pissed when, quick as lightning, her hand flashed out from her side to give you a backhand across the chops making Billy the Kid proud. I only remember a couple of smacks from my mum. I quickly learned you don't piss off a pissed off mum. But smacking your kids these days can mean jail time. And the kids know it.

Hang on, let me think about it...Jail time equals private room plus someone cooking my meals plus free gym plus free movies plus learning a skill or getting a degree. Hmmmm. 

No. No. Shakes head. I'd miss my kids. After a while.

But I am trying very hard to remain positive these days. My God, it's an enormous ask. I'm trying to stay calm, cool, confident and collected. 

I said trying.

Yesterday, Lily turned to me on the couch, tossed her apple core on my lap, and said, "Put this is the bin."

Are you shitting me?

Lily gave herself ink.
Don't ever turn your back on her.

"Uuggggghhhh," she sighed loudly, got off the couch, walked to stand in front of me and The Wizard of Oz on TV, looked me in the eye and said slowly, "I. said. put. this. in. the. bin."

I stared back at her. 

She continued to stare.

I was not going to back down. I was not going to blink first. I was going to win at the stubborn staredown.

Lily stared. And stared. And stared. My eyes ached and began to water. I blinked. Fuck. 

"Put this in the bin," she repeated.

Calmly, I tell her, "You put your apple core in the bin like a good girl."

"I not a good girl. And you do what I say you little bugger bum or you will go on the naughty step for how old you are." Oh my God, how I would love that! 41 minutes of sitting quietly with no interruptions. Bliss.

I admit, I am scared of this child. She can make Linda Blair's 'Reagan' look like an angel.

I picked her up, carried her to the bin and made her drop the apple core in it. We continued to the dreaded 'naughty step'. I kept my cool and this unnerved her. 

After three minutes on the stairs, I crouched down before her.

"Ok, you've sat there for three minutes to think about how naughty you were. What do you have to say to Mummy?"

Still tilted her head, crossed her arms and pursed her lips. "Yes. Next time I tell you you better put my apple in the bin when I say."

Yep. Lesson learned.

Keeping my cool.


See what other shit they get up to on Facebook

The Shiny Awesomeness of 2013

I've never been good at keeping New Year's Resolutions. I stopped making them many many years back when I failed to keep them beyond the 3rd of January of every year.

This year, I feel somewhat different and more motivated to get my big arse into gear and do something. I'm going to keep it simple. I will not try to commit to the Paleo Diet or the French 'Air' Diet (pretending to eat food that is served to you - I think I would eat it and pretend it wasn't there in the first place), however the Cookie Diet does sound intriguing. I wonder if Tim Tams count as cookies?

Nope. No 'diets' as such for me. With Timbo on board helping, as well as my little sis Deb, I will not eat the children's left overs. I will eat smaller portions of the things that I would normally eat. I'm not going for a quick supermodel physique - I just want to begin with a little self control. Like I said - I'm going to keep it simple. I can achieve these little baby-steps easier than hating myself later when my willpower to maintain a stricter eating plan fails me by mid January.

I will drink a glass of water before every meal. I believe this clears the path for more wine or Margaritas. I could be wrong. But I don't think so.

I will swear less. Notice I said 'less'. Let's not go fucking overboard.

I will look more closely at the daily beauty that often surrounds me, and try not to get submerged in negativity and self-loathing. 

Sometimes it's hard to get to December 31 and think of anything but the bad times and hardships you may have gone through during the year. Sometimes it is hard to see the shiny brilliance and awesomeness that can happen even just for a minute or two in any given day. Sometimes the clouds are too heavy, and sometimes the hole is too bloody deep.

So, to remind myself of the great things that happen throughout 2013, I will start a Joy Jar. You begin on the 1st of January with an empty jar, and throughout the year you write the good things that happened to you on little  pieces of paper. On the 31st December, you can look back at all the fantastic things that have happened during the past year. A friend posted this great idea on her Stalkbook page, and I love it... 

A Joy Jar of positivity!

These are my very tiny steps to my New Year's success. 

And if I break them, fuck it, I'll have another wine and start again.



2013 - the year to join my cult on Facebook!
Vote for me on Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms 2013