Happy Mother's Day to all of you mother's, step-mothers, mother figures, grandmothers, mothers without mothers, not-quite-yet-mothers, working mothers, stay-at-home mothers and mothers of pets-that-act-like-children.
Actually, fuck Mother's Day. Let's call today 'Awesome Chick's Day'.
There is such a big emphasis placed on how wonderful and rewarding it is to be a mum (I didn't say that) and a day has marked in recognition of all the marvellous, caring and hardworking mothers out there around the world. I can tell you I am not one of them. Yes, I take the title of 'mother', but I don't see myself as an outstanding example of one. I complain, I nag, I argue, I bitch, I yell, I cry. I'm impatient, easily annoyed, and take pills each night to 'balance my emotions' while I rear five kids. I think I may be allergic to my kids. I come out in a light rash and nervous sweats just thinking about a whole day alone with them. I wish I were somewhere else most of the time and I often wonder what my life would be like if I could turn back time.
Then I look at them and I think I have five kids. They are alive. They are fed. They are (relatively) clean. They have picked up a few manners along the way, as well as a few choice words. Sometimes they show respect. Sometimes they show each other love. All in all, they are good kids. Which, I guess, does make me an ok mum. I'm no June Cleaver or Carol Brady. My house doesn't sparkle with the pride of a stay-at-home-mum and the scent of natural lemon. I see myself as a blend of Lucille Bluth from 'Arrested Development', Debra Barone from 'Everybody Loves Raymond' and Roseanne from...well...'Roseanne'.
In honour of some hilariously funny, hilariously annoying and model mothers that have graced our television screens and movie theatres, I give you some of my favourite mothers and their pearls of motherly wisdom:
Lucille Bluth in Arrested Development (Jessica Walter)
Lucille: Get me a vodka rocks.
Michael: Mom, it's breakfast.
Lucille: And a piece of toast.
Lucille: I just went off my post-partum depression medication.
Michael: You're still taking that? You had Buster thirty two years ago.
Lucille: And that's how long I've been depressed about it.
Edina Moon in Absolutely Fabulous (Jennifer Saunders)
Edina: Oh, darling, Mummy loves you. On the day you were born I knew I wanted you...
Patsy: However, the day after...
Peggy Bundy in Married With Children (Katy Sagal)
Peggy: Kelly, it's time we had a little talk. There is a thing men will want you to do when you get married; it's called work.
Kelly: I'm scared; hold me Mom.
Peggy: Once you do it though, you'll never have to do it again and there will come a time when your husband comes home smellin' like beer and wantin' some lovin'; you'll follow that fat butt up the stairs because you'll know that no matter how disgusting the next five minutes may be, it's still better than work.
Kelly: Thanks, Mom; you're so wise.
Peggy: Well, you can't sit on the couch twenty hours a day and not learn something.
Lois Griffin in Family Guy (Alex Borstein)
Meg: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight? You're wicked skinny, I'm jealous.
Chris: Thanks Meg. I'm jealous of your moustache.
Lois: Oh, it's fine, Meg. It makes you look dignified.
Meg: But, Mom!
Lois: Now I love all of my children equally.
Roseanne Connor in Roseanne (Roseanne Barr)
Darlene: Yo Mom, the lunch lady at school's been sick a few weeks, I think she's gonna die soon, you interested?
Roseanne: Let's see. Serving crappy food to ungrateful teenagers, how would I know I was at work?
Barbara (David's mom): Listen to me. I don't want you butting in, telling me, how to raise my kids! Take a look at the two little whores you raised!
Roseanne: Oh...uh, I'm in this now... You know, if your kid wasn't here, I would take the opportunity to remind you that people who live in glass whore-houses shouldn't throw stones. It's people like you that give white-trash a bad name.
Marion Cunningham in Happy Days (Marion Ross)
Marion: Your father once even sent me a five-pound box of candy on Valentine's Day anonymously. He was a devil.
Howard: I never sent you a five-pound box of candy.
Marion: You didn't?
Howard: No, I didn't.
Marion: Then I must have married the wrong man.
Kitty Foreman in That 70s Show (Debra Jo Rupp)
You know I love my family, but sometimes I just want to get in the car and run them all over.
All families are embarrassing; and if they're not embarrassing, they're dead.
Claire Dunfry in Modern Family (Julie Bowen)
Claire: If Haley never wakes up on a beach in Florida half naked... I've done my job.
Phil: Our job.
Claire: Right. I've done our job.
Luke is already the best at something: Being my son. It sounded a lot less lame in my head.
Alex, honey, when you're out shopping, you might want to pick yourself up a training bra. I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come in soon. Mommy loves you, kitten!
Morticia Addams in The Addams Family (Carolyn Jones)
One house. Three children. So many windows.
You've had your shots? Measles, mumps, rabies?
Endora in Bewitched (Agnes Moorehead)
I detest sounding like one of those mothers who thinks they know it all. But unfortunately, I do.
Samantha: That's what I like about your visits, Mother. You always bring a ray of sunshine into my drab existence.
Endora: Well, that's what mothers are for, dear.
Lucille Ball in I Love Lucy (Lucille Ball)
Lucy: Budget my time? You mean like I budget my money?
Ricky: Heavin forbid!
Francine Smith in American Dad (Wendy Schaal)
May be blonde with great cans, but I'm pretty smart when I've had my eight hours.
Estelle Costanza in Seinfeld (Estelle Harris)
George doesn't work. He's a bum.
I go out for a quart of milk and I come home and find my son treating his body like an amusement park!
It's rude not to serve cake!
Marie Barone and Debra Barone in Everybody Loves Raymond (Doris Roberts & Patricia Heaton)
Marie: Debra, I don't know why your rolls are all left. I liked them. The burnt part gave them some flavour. Don't worry about those pots and pans, honey. I know how to do those.
Debra: Well, cleaning is cleaning.
Marie: You'd think so.
Robert: Hey, Ma. I told Nemo you were hurt so he threw in these breadsticks for free.
Marie: These look old.
Frank: You are what you eat.
Marie: Robbie, give your father his order of miserable bastard.
Sophia Petrillo in The Golden Girls (Estelle Getty)
Fasten your seatbelt, slut puppy. This ain't gonna be no catwalk!
Sophia: My God. That's the cutest baby I've ever seen.
Dorothy: Ma! It's a pig!
Sophia: Hey, you were no looker when I brought you home from the hospital either. I brought you anyway!
Mama Fratelli in The Goonies (Anne Ramsey)
Irene Walsh in The Goonies (Mary Ellen Trainor)
Irene: Brandon, I want you to keep your brother inside. I don't want him to catch a cold.
Brandon: He should be put in a plastic bubble.
Irene: I'm serious Brandon! That's not funny. If he takes one step outside and you'll be in the deepest, absolutely the deepest, shi, shi, shi...
Brandon: Shit Ma!
Irene: I don't like that language, but that's exactly what you're going to be in.
Caroline Butler in Mr Mom (Teri Garr)
Jack: My brain is like oatmeal. I yelled at Kenny today for colouring outside the lines! Megan and I are starting to watch the same TV shows. And I'm liking them! I'm losing it.
Caroline: Honey, I know what you're talking about. I've been there myself, alright?
Jack: Well, if you're so unhappy, why don't you say something about it?
Caroline: Because I wasn't unhappy! Look, maybe I was a little confused, maybe I was a little frustrated, but I knew what I was doing was important, because it means something to raise human beings. What saw me through was pride. I've pride in this house, I've pride with my kids, and I've pride being Mrs Jack Butler! Where are you going?
Jack: I'm goin' downstairs to sleep on the fat couch if I can get through the door.
Caroline: Yeah, well be sure to take pride in some of the FAT, Porky!
Kate McCallister in Home Alone (Catherine O'Hara)
Kate: How can we forget this? We forgot him?
Peter: We didn't forget him. We just miscounted.
Kate: What kind of mother am I?
Uncle Frank: If it makes you feel any better - I forgot my reading glasses.
Ellen Griswold in Vacation and Christmas Vacation (Beverley D'Angelo)
Sit down and shut up! Move outta that seat and I'll split your lip!
I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.
I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.
And finally (I don't want to get in trouble for missing this gem again!)...
Jeanine Stifler in American Pie (Jennifer Coolidge)
Stifler's Mom: I got some scotch.
Finch: Single malt?
Stifler's Mom: Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.
I love screen mums. And I know I have missed other brilliant and inspiring mothers in this somewhat extensive list of my faves. A special shout out must go to Shirley Partridge (The Partridge Family), Elyse Keaton (Family Ties), Norma Arnold (The Wonder Years), Mrs Gump (Forrest Gump), Lindsay Bluth Funke (Arrested Development), Marge Simpson and Agnes Skinner (The Simpsons), Elliot's mum, Mary (E.T) and Pamela Voorhees (Friday 13th). Have I missed any?
Linking with Deb's Listmania at homelifesimplified.com.au
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