Thursday, 7 March 2013

Chin hairs & prune juice

I'm 41. I told a friend I was 42. I couldn't believe I got that wrong. How did I get that wrong? I had to work it out - ok Tim is 2 years younger, so that makes old is Tim? No. Hang on. I had Campbell when I was it's 2013 now, so that makes...wait...Ella was born just before I turned 30 and now she's 11...30 plus 11 equals 41. Yep. 41. We got there...

It made me remember when I was a fresh-faced youngster. Yes kids, I was a child once, too. I didn't escape the womb as a cranky old tired 41 year old, nor was a created out of spite by some pissed off mad scientist from the waste products of all things evil and bitchy. Nooo. But I can see why you may have thought that.

When you're a kid, you know your age. My twins spontaneously announce it in supermarkets to checkout chicks or to strange men with man boobs.

I'm 3. 

I've noticed a difference in the way four of my ferals announce their age. Lily and Grace hold up three fingers and say proudly, "I'm 3." Ella will tell people that she is 11 and three quarters. Campbell adds on a year: "I'm 14." They'll go through the rite of passage of calling themselves 18 so as to be served alcohol and to be let into nightclubs. Then they'll say they're younger to get cheaper entry fees to amusement parks and movies. But once you reach 40, well, you can write off even being admitted into a swingers club. Just too damn old for that kind of funky lovin'. Obviously, they don't cater for walking frames and incontinence.

I'm not really phased about being in my 40s. I don't feel 41, whatever that's supposed to feel like. Physically, I'm feeling a little slower, but is it my age or the excess of excessive weight I'm lugging? Mentally, I'm a sharp as a tack - sharper even - I'm finding it easier to learn new things. My brain is ready for biology and physics, whereas 25 years ago I couldn't tell my arse from my head with anything scientific.

Let's hope that by pulling these feckers
out I haven't encouraged more to grow.

And, yes - they ARE from my head.
After having pulled out two enormously thick pube-like grey hairs from the top of my head and examining myself miserably in the bathroom mirror-that-tells-lies, I thought about my mum and how she never gave me all the facts of growing up. Oh, she told me briefly about (whispers) periods and growing boobs (the rest I learned from Dolly magazine in the 80's) but she never got around to telling me about the other important stuff - like what happens after our babies grow into teens and we start to get all like, totes embarrassing and old all of a sudden.

We all know that growing older is inevitable, but this is my list of things I wished my mum had told me about it. I have entitled it:

Things I Wished My Mum Told Me 
About Growing Older

We all know about the possibility of our eyesight and hearing getting weaker, our bodies slowing down and the sudden desire to eat prunes and sing along to the golden oldies of the 1980s & 90s, but I wish Mum had've mentioned some of these seriously awesome perks of ageing (un)gracefully:

  • Your body will start to hurt in places that never hurt before. And what doesn't hurt will probably stop working.

  • Your mind will become delusional and will think your body can handle the alcohol and exercise you were used to when you were in your 20s.

  • Your eyebrows will begin to fall out and reappear on your chin. Thicker.

  • Your feet will become rough and your toenails harder to cut.

  • Course grey hairs will not just grow on your head. They will appear on your chin, your arms, your cheek, and with a surprising amount of speed. You will look in the mirror and suddenly they're there in all their grey pube-iness.

  • You might grow skin tags anywhere the skin tags decide to grow. Don't think of ripping those bastards off. You will bleed out. Accept them. 

  • You will wake up feeling hungover without actually being hungover.

  • You will sneeze, cough, laugh and wee at the same time.

  • Your perky little boobs may be perky now, but wait until you're older and have had kids.

  • You'll sweat more than you ever imagined humanly possible. Even in winter.

  • You'll Google everything, from 'my knee clicks when I bend' to 'should my wee be that colour' and other ailments that lead you to believe you are dying.

  • You will think that the perfect evening is an early night in bed. Alone. With a book.

  • The music you liked will be called boring and old by your kids.

  • You will be called boring and old by your kids.

  • You won't understand today's music but if you sing any of today's music you will be told to stop.

  • You will begin to say "When I was your age..." "In my day..." and "If I spoke that way to my mother..."

  • You will gain great pleasure in listening to and telling stories of recent surgeries and illnesses.

  • You will understand why a hot windy Australian day is the perfect day for sweating it out washing shitloads of clothes to hang out to dry.

  • You will have riveting conversations with friends about mortgages, the lack of respect from the younger generation, the price of petrol, stretch marks, bargain shopping and recipes. 

I would have laughed and laughed if my mum took me on this ageing joyride, rolled my eyes and called her old and boring, and would have thought, nah, not me. I'm so cool and awesome that I will always be this cool and awesome. And how dare you tell me C&C Music Factory and Smashing Pumpkins wouldn't be cool either. 

Not by the grey hairs on my chinny chin chin.


  1. I'm am finding it hard to type as I am PEEING MY FREAKING PANTS (not hard as you've so beautifully explained!)

    Oh Lisa I do not know where to start! Photographing your grey hairs... LOL!

    Absolutely hilarious! You've had the balls to write what I'm bleeden living!

    1. You can get books about puberty, pregnancy, (really) old age, but not the bits in the middle. I have now filled that gap.

      At least those hairs were from my head.


    2. I was actually scared at first and stared praying it was your head!! glad i did not click away in fear xx

    3. Deb, if I ever get to the point of photographing hairs from ANY other part of my body, I hope they do lock me away for a very very long time!

    4. I've edited the caption for that photo so that no one else will feel the fear you felt!




      I read my fortune from a fortune cookie today. It said, "You will hear from a secret admirer." I'm going to say that was you!

      Thank you Mr or Ms Unknown :)

  3. I love it, and I love your labels've got a label for talking back! Of course you do. I relate to seriously way too many of these.

    1. From what I understand I was not alone with thinking my mum had been negligent and that all this was some secret unspoken women's business. Sadly, I think what I have done is opened a door for people to look for MY chin hairs!

  4. this is me almost 100% in a nutshell right down to being 41 too!

    1. Did you know that these things would happen? I sure didn't.

  5. Hahahahaha oh Lord, you crack me up but it's so true godamnit! Oh and, Smashing Pumpkins will always be cool, my 18year old just bought thier discography and has Billy Corgan as his cover pic on facebook!! ;)

    1. That is truly cool. Especially since he was a tot when they were big!

  6. Thanks so much for this. A few years ago someone asked me how old I was. Without missing a beat I said 27. Then I said, wait, that's not right. Let me figure it out. I was 32. Ever since then, anytime any bastard asks I feel like I'm back in school in a math class.

    I'm so happy you pointed out all the changes we go through that no one talks about. Never would have believed it, but glad to know I'm not alone! :)

  7. You forgot actual pubes! They too will turn grey, so I've heard... And more hair will grow from more places than you every knew hair could!
    Thanks for being a Hooker from Down Under :)