Monday, 3 June 2013

In Lily's head

What the fuck?
It's too bright.
When I have my chance, and you're off guard, I'm gonna kill you, Sun.

Grace. Grace! GRACE!!
Are you awake?
I said, are you awake?

Aarrggghhhhh...why are you crying, Grace?

OK. Slink down to the lounge room. Good. Nothing's on my chair. Got my blankie. Got my dummy. Getting my Dora the Explorer on... 

What the..? What's... Is that anger I'm feeling? Or confusion? No... no... It's hunger. Snack time.

Mummy's late coming down with Scarlett today. Umizoomi's on. Better get another snack while there's time. 

Gracie? You get me a snack, please? 
She's such a sucker for my sweetie pie voice. Minion, do my bidding... Hehehe. Now.

Footsteps upstairs.

Run Gracie! Run!

Why does Mummy always blame me for the chip crumbs on the couch? It's not my fault I ate chips on the couch. If she came down earlier then this whole unfortunate event would not have happened. 

"Who wants breaky?" you ask. Who the fuck do you think wants breaky? That's it. For every stupid question she asks me today, I'm gonna Fuck.Her.Up. 

I want Fruit Loops in a pink bowl.

Pleeeease. Dammit woman. You're really testing me this morning.

I want to sit there. 

No. Not there.



But I said I wanted Coco Pops.

I know what I bloody said. I said I want Coco Pops in a pink bowl. Are you deaf? Or stupid? Or both?

I'm not eating that.

Ah crap. Oops. 
I didn't spill it! 
Waterworks, Lily. Come on...waterworks.... aaaannnd... ACTION.

I'll run to my room for that added dramatic effect. When I come back, there had better be some Goddamn Weetbix in my pink bowl or I'll cut her.

Dammit. I'm still hungry. Ok Lily. Hold your head up high. Grab Dolly. Adjust your nappy. Coco Pops will do. I'll give Mummy that eye-narrowing glare to show her she's on thin ice this morning.

Let's see if she can do better at lunch time.

Meanwhile, must learn how to make a shiv. 

Excerpt from 'My Time Above the Dirt Patch', by Lily, aged 3.75 (human years)


  1. That girl would reduce hardened criminals to quivering mounds of jelly.

    1. Scary brat, isn't she? It doesn't run on our side of the family.

  2. Can you make me a shiv too?You never know when you need a good shiv...

    1. I know, right?
      I think I'm going to be checking Lily's bag before school every day.

  3. hahahaha she would scare my 3 yr old, Lola, but she & the baby would be BEST FRIENDS!
    Thanks for coming by the blog hop today.