Road Trip

We had arrived in Queensland after a three day, nineteen hour drive from Melbourne. With five kids. For three days. Three long long days. I'm reminded of an episode of Outnumbered, "Five hours in an airport with children - that's five weeks in real time." I'm sure it applies to road trips, too. Possibly even longer. Definitely longer.

Before we could actually say that we were on the road to the most awesome of awesomest playground destinations that is the Gold Coast, we had to make our way through the suburban jungle of south east Melbourne. Normal people can make this journey in around an hour, but somehow we managed to get to the Hume Highway in a record two hours from the time we strapped the ferals in their restraints.

I thought it was suspiciously quiet in the back seat.
No, it wasn't my idea.

We had loaded the car with the essentials for a holiday with kids. Toys, nappies, bum wipes, nappy sacks, bottles, formula, steriliser, kettle - yes, kettle - toys, iPad, iPods, chargers for iPad and iPods, toys, dummies, spare dummies, lucky dummies, emergency dummies, Zoloft, Panadol, toys and snacks. Then we added the suitcases. Ella, our 11 year old fashionista, was not too impressed to have her two suitcases and overnight bag downsized to one suitcase. Campbell was not too impressed we had to encourage him to pack his suitcase with more than one t-shirt and one pair of undies by including - for the love of God - deodorant, his orthodontic care pack for his million dollar future smile, bathers, a few more pairs of undies and socks (preferably clean) and at least one other t-shirt (also preferably clean).

Fifteen minutes into the trip:

Grace: Where are we going?
Ella: I'm hungry.
Tim: We're going on a holiday, Gracie.
Ella: Can we get a snack?
Lily: What's a holiday?
Me: Eat one of the snacks we packed.
Campbell: Those snacks are crap.
Me: Don't say crap.
Ella: Campbell's kicking me.
Campbell: I am not.
Lily: When are we going on a holiday?
Ella: All this talking is not getting me a snack.
Me: We're not stopping for a snack yet.
Ella: That's so not fair.
Campbell: Bad luck Ella, you retard. You should have had breakfast.
Ella: Muuuuuummmmmm! Campbell called me a retard!
Me: Don't call Ella a retard.
Campbell: Can we stop for a snack now?
Lily: I want a snack!
Grace: I want a snack!
Tim: We're not getting a snack. Honey, can we stop for a coffee?
Ella: Good. We can finally get a snack.
Grace & Lily: Yay! Get a snack!
Ella: Who farted?

18 hours to go.

We did stop for a snack.
It still didn't shut them up.

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